How we fall apart?

How exactly did we fall apart?

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You must have stopped asking that way before that January.

How we were never meant to be.

And how I lived in my own reality. Whereas I don’t exist in yours.

How insignificant and unimportant I was.

How desperate I must have seemed.

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Let me ask again, how exactly did we fall apart?

While scrolling your history, unconsciously I searched for “us”.

Though I’ve never been there. Whatever I was, wherever I was, I was not there. Like a thin veil of smoke from the end of your cigarette, maybe I really was not there.

You picked up smoking.

I picked up drinking.

Maybe that was one of the signs, that we stopped caring.

That I stopped caring.

The me who stepped away, was it the same one who reached out for you in the end?

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The me who always did what she wanted.

The me who always said what she wanted.

And the you who smiled.

Who pulled me in for a kiss. And held me.

I tried to recall, though reality seems to escape me. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t grasp the memories I thought we had.

I remember your smile. But that’s all I could pull out of the pool of thoughts I would have spared for you.

A little unsatisfied, a little bitter, a little lost. When you were so much, yet I was so little. There was the feeling of incomplete, and anger awaits at the edge of sanity. But it never got me. Angry, pained, disoriented, I was not.

I stopped writing.

A part of me just seems hollow. As dried out as the me who waited. Feelings running in circles around, none got too close.

Try as I may, I can’t seem to know how to feel when I think about you.

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I always stopped myself short of worshipping you.

Careful to not ever overstate your actual meaning to the me I am.

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And we continue to fall away from us.