How long until you stop loving me?

I will love you until you walk away…

The moment I wrote that sentence, I already forgot what was I to say. It’s like telling you once again,

Telling myself once again,

How unlikely we are to stay as we are.

How different we are.

And I have long forgotten how to love like I once did. How to see no faults, how to try hard at everything, how to give, how to forgive.

How not to ask.

.

If I were me from a lifetime ago, would you still love me?

The me who accepted everything, the me who saw no faults, the me who agreed to everything, with that groundless confidence of Forever I thought I had in my grasp. The me who believed as long as I give love, I’d be loved.

The me who was so patient in collecting fragments of a broken memory.

The me who was so careless with my own mirror.

Even now, the me who is so careful that she forgets how to let go of the cuts.

.

I who had so many stories to tell

yet unable to utter a word of literature now.

I who thought of  you more than everyone else

yet can’t get past your tiniest mistake.

I who hated blaming somebody else for her failure

can’t seem to think of any other reason for her pessimistic thoughts

but you

who she claims she loves.

Do I love you?

Have I been in love with you?

Or was I just too caught up in my own selfish goals to ever admit I was lonely?

.

Had I loved you?

Or just the love I receive from you?

.

Am I not just a coward who too absorbed in thinking she was doing you a favor

to admit she needed your love more than her own conscience?

How was I to get through my days, had you not been there worshiping me?

If I were to talk about it long enough,

how long would it be until you stop loving me?